spiral

Re-reading my previous heartbroken posts I realise i have a penchant for overwrought romance. It is apparently very easy to convince my heart that it's been stolen, and then my mind goes and the rest of me happily buys into the drama, into that familiar feeling of being in love

To quote a dear friend, being in love with nothing but love means that the subject - or object - of this love is irrelevant, that anyone can step in to fill the gap, and in the end, there is no love, only a self-referential pursuit of a non-signifier that's doomed to disappoint.

So I am unwilling to make promises this time. Once again I could repeat my own cliches, and pretend that I've never felt this way before, that I've never wanted to wake up to anyone as much as I have you, that oh, i believe this is real, this time. Even though I feel it, i know by now how terribly unreliable my feelings are.

And this time it's some other heart at stake. This time, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what, there are loving arms that await me, that if i turned around and walk away from you right here right now it would be possible for me to feel very little regret.

Don't make it so easy to break your heart, please, meu amor, please. Because I don't want to. I don't. I don't

i want him so bad and i know he won't call me.

or text me.

or anything me.

it was physics and chemistry and loudmusic and strobelights, too many people, a half finished drink; a heartstopping smile and one lost cause. it was momentary and physical and gone with the morning. it was too much for me and nothing for you ( i can't help addressing this to an imaginary you)

if i was young and stupidly idealistic; if i didn't know what i do now i'd say: i'd do anything to wake up and see that face every morning; to fall asleep in your arms; to kiss you again.

but i'm not, and i do. it was a good night, now please let me get over it. please.

i don't even know what to say other than ugh. ouch. ohmygod.

saw it coming! but its ouch. ugh. ohmygod all the same. i dont even have bitching rights.

i am an awful person.

fair

i wish i wasn't. or that he was.

but none of this changes the fact of how little time there is, to love or otherwise.

today was harder than i imagined, and please, please, may tomorrow be better

beautiful collisions

and i always make the same tragic mistakes because i always fall into the same traps. not because i don't see them, but because each time, everytime, i believe it will be different.

because i can't quite convince myself that its been one too many and its time to give up. And to grow up.

Each time the opportunity arises I will happily trade in the real world, with its complicated web of obligations and responsibilities, for yet another brief encounter with romance. Fleeting, yes; it is a completely unreliable way to structure one's decision making processes, and yet it is so bloody seductive. Why would I say no to one more chance at a neatly packaged psuedo fairytale, complete with a prince charming willing to buy into the illusion? Why would I say no to chemistry and friction?

Don't for one minute imagine that I don't see the folly in what i'm doing. i've always known, but its never hurt this much for a while. despite what i said; despite what i say and will continue to say should you ask, something in me sank when i saw you kiss her.

completely unjustified, all things considered. but no one tells the heart how to feel or whether or not it should sink at any given moment in time. So sink it did and right now it sits in the pit of my stomach, waiting for me to do the sensible thing and decide that you're no longer worth my time. But of course that won't happen because this is entirely my own fault. having told you (and him) to expect nothing from me, i lose the right to any reciprocal considerations. And that is as fair as it gets.

And what is there to do but make more bad decisions, and hope for another chance encounter; another beautiful collision?

xx

hello world